*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
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Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Autocarrot sucks!
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.