They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
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I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology