toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
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when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.