@Dadpression: Toddler tech support: "Did you try throwing it and crying?"
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@bobvulfov: [standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents] ME: this zoo is terrible
@boogersincoffee: i hate when you google stuff like 'insidious' it gives you the definition but when you google 'butt' it doesn't. define butt for me damn it
@Audenary: DAD: Think an earthquake's coming. MOM: Check Rocky; dogs always know. DOG *analysing seismic data*: I anticipate magnitudes of 6 or more.
@ConanOBrien: One time I wore my brother's t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.