Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
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“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with