@Dadpression: Toddler tech support: "Did you try throwing it and crying?"
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@bea_ker: GUY POSING FOR THE SCREAM PAINTING: Are you done? Let me see EDVARD MUNCH: You look great GUY: Let me see EDVARD MUNCH: No
@MrGeorgeWallace: Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
@sploosk: THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he objectifies women ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
@dblackattack: It's nothing serious, we're not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.