Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
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If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Vodka burrito was a success
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.