toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
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LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA