toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
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it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.