*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
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GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
This meeting could have been a cake
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?