@julie2288: Toddlers are the only life form that can exist entirely on their own snot, one goldfish cracker, and half a chicken nugget a day.
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@ScottLinnen: Turns out telling a friend "you're giving off a weird vibe tonight" is not the most direct way to tell them they're on fire
@bearcub577: Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires... men.
@Nickadoo: On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
@daemonic3: "KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE'RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!" -- Centipede parents