Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
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Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home