Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
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“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I am never leaving this website
This is enough internet for the day.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain