God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
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My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in