[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
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Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Good morning.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.