Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
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Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️