Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
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If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
put ‘er there pardner!
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.