@TheTonyHowell: Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
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@ohpeetie: [ Boyfriend walks into the room ] Well, well, well....if it isn't the boy who tried to break up with me in a dream last night.
@carlyken: Every Political Ad Ever: I'm a rich guy who's not like the other rich guy he's a total douche. *Paid for by my rich guy friends*
@revenge_tanukis: It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.