Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
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hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.