@TheTonyHowell: Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
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@Phook75: The upside to having kids is how you're able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans
@SteveSuckington: If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn't work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
@Nickadoo: On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
@jordan_stratton: Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.