Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
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Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”