[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
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I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm