Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
You Might Also Like
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Good morning, Twitter x
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.