Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
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one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this