Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
You Might Also Like
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in