Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
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If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.