Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
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Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.