Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
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When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.