Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
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me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
pictures of spider-man
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.