@TallDarkHandsy: Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
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@robdelaney: Woman at drive-thru just called me "honey." Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
@Ygrene: [being murdered] Me: hey stop for a sec Murderer: what Me: just want to say you're really (finger quotes)…killing it [murdering intensifies]
@The_JRM: The main reason I tell my daughter that beauty is on the inside is because I'm in charge of her ponytail in the mornings.