Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
You Might Also Like
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets