Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
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Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.