“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
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me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
In space, no one can hear…
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
*looks at you in batman voice*
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.