told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
You Might Also Like
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
it is time once again
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.