Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
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yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.