@carlyken: Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I'm crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he's the one that's married.
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@Home_Halfway: My wife's leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
@BradBroaddus: DOCTOR: "I'm calling to notify you of your outstanding balance." ME: "Thanks! I do yoga." DOCTOR:........