@carlyken: Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I'm crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he's the one that's married.
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@fro_vo: [wedding] Priest: repeat after me Groom: after me P: ... [to bride] is he serious Bride: no his name is gary
@LuvPug: My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees. Long story short, I'm getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
@weinerdog4life: Me: Waiter, there's a duck in my soup Waiter: That's a pond, you're at a park, I'm just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
@tastefactory: I've been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There's a really good article I think he should see