Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
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I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?