Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
You Might Also Like
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now