HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
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this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
He’s dead
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
These work great until they don’t.