Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
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Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*