@myonlymizztake: Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
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@CM2BTTHD: Our dog runs away so much, I'm just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
@LizHackett: Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, "I'm wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!"
@philgibson01: "This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash" What do you mean? "It's all denty"