@myonlymizztake: Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
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@JasonLastname: Law enforcement's cracking down on texting while driving, but there's no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
@dreamthievin: Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not sure what it means.
@djdarrellripley: Me: Let's go outside & make love in the rain. Her: What if there's lightning? Me: Then you get to be on top...
@Death_Buddy: [spider's junk email folder] -TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$ -HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU -TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY