Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
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[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
🦝🔥🦝🔥
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Venn
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.