Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
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HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*