[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
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Fun like a LinkedIn notification
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?