Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
You Might Also Like
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day