@peachesanscream: Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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@nbadag: DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER ME: omg what're u gonna do to me? DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
@LoriLuvsShoes: So I told my husband that I have a TC and he said, "that's really cute. See if he wants to fund your shoe addiction"
@thestlouisan: I just want to have enough followers so that my children can tweet comfortably for the rest of their lives.
@LoriLuvsShoes: Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because I'm pretty? Cop: No Me: Because I'm on Twitter? Cop: No Me: Officer I can do this all day