Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.