told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
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Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?