Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
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“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”