[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
You Might Also Like
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed