Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
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The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”