Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
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{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
me: do you mind i can鈥檛 go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don鈥檛 know what to tell you
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
God: you鈥檙e a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that鈥檚 not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don鈥檛 tell Snake.
Snake: don鈥檛 tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don鈥檛 tell me what?
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Why is this me 馃槴
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I鈥檒l make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don鈥檛 care because you鈥檝e seen it clean once
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they鈥檝e narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They鈥檙e all waiting, can I go get married now?
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it鈥檚 an episode of housewives