We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
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To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
i dont have time for this
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.