Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
You Might Also Like
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
m’lady
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se