told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
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At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Breaking news:
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
This dude got his own movie?
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!