Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
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When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless