@dsmitty62: Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I'm wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
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@tastefactory: My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we're in this big fight.
@iDontWannaBeYhu: Money doesn't buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It's impossible to be sad on a jet ski.
@joerogan: There's an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
@darksideang: My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with