Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
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We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair