@dsmitty62: Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I'm wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
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@thenatewolf: THE CHIEF: It was a mission, you weren't supposed to let it get personal. ME: [kissing a missile] We're getting married.
@teenpuke: *cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*
@MattMcC1: "nice dog or cat or baby or whatever" i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. "was it expensive?"