@NervousJr: Told my mom "The D" stood for donuts, and now she won't stop telling people she wants the chocolate D.
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@carlyken: [bank robbery] OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN! [dave starts doing the electric slide] Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
@personontheweb: we just got new auto insurance and my mom was supposed to text our agent pictures of her car:
@nagunnatelya: Husband: Have you lost weight? Me: About 10 lbs H: Who you trying to look good for? *wink M: You don't know him. He's on Twitter...