(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
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Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I want to meet the individual who made this