@kay_bee28: Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply 'with a cutlass' but I want her to pay for masters...
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@Vodkantots: People who are genuinely surprised when politicians behave badly should be forced to wear helmets for their own protection.
@huntigula: Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me? Piglet: for the last time, u don't get a literal "honey" moon Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
@Vanilla_cupcak: My doctor wasn't amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said One hundred and fat
@batkaren: Sharing a bed should be like boxing: • meet in middle • fist-bump • put in mouthguards • go to separate corners • no touching until 1st bell