@kay_bee28: Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply 'with a cutlass' but I want her to pay for masters...
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@iAmDelFreaky: Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private. I ate 32 bananas today & made $725. I have diarrhea.
@AbrasiveGhost: What did u do last night? Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don't u mean sorrows? Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
@NicestHippo: "So did you get lucky last night?" You better believe it! [flashback to me making all green lights omw home after girl refused to kiss me]
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: Let's role-play ME: OK W: U be a teacher *I get up & leave* W: Where u going? M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I've got to do?