Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
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not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.